saying the quiet part out loud

Day 1 from Lori's writing prompts and a recipe for french fries

Listen, I’ll start by saying that hearing from me twice in one week is going to make you hit the unsubscribe button real quick. I’m going to be following Lori's writing prompts and she started with a doozy: say the quiet part out loud. Maybe you’ll join us in this writing? By time you read this we’ll already be on day 3 but jump in whenever. As the wise Jan Johnson says, “do what you can, not what you can’t.”

Lest you be worried that I’ll share all of them with you, don’t worry, I won’t.

But here we go for today.

I have an eating disorder called ARFID (Avoidant-Restrictive Food Intake Disorder). Most people just think I’m really picky and because I don’t want to get into it and say the quiet parts, I agree with them. What actually happens when I try to eat something that is not a “safe food” (think a normal toddler diet) is I have a gagging reflex. My brain has convinced the rest of me that anything outside of the safe food is, well, unsafe, so I reject it.

Some people with ARFID can’t eat much so lose weight dramatically. That is certainly not an issue for me. I eat pretty fatty foods. Doctors tell me the only thing I lack is iron, otherwise I get enough from what I eat to be okay. I’m overweight like most Americans and it takes more effort for me to lose weight because of my diet. But I try because I don’t like what I see in a mirror.

Do I know the foods are safe? Of course. But I’ve dug some deep ditches in my brain through repetition and belief that the lies are truth. It’s hard to undo. I’ve made some progress here and there but nothing that sticks long term. Recovery is hard.

Growing up, I kept this a secret. My fear was, and still is, that if people knew what I ate and how I ate they would A.) give me that pity face that tells me I missing out on fried chicken as if it is a sacrament and then B.) not want to be my friend anymore; it’s too hard to deal with my restrictions. So I had one or two friends that I’ve known since we were in diapers that knew. I just didn’t eat around everyone else. I would say I was full or had just ate or just not hungry, and then wait until I was home to fill my grumbling stomach.

Eventually, in high school, I told a few more people. Then I made some good friends in a youth group I thought were trust worthy of the secret. Then it happened. I lost really good friends in my late teens because this weirdness that I didn’t know had a name yet. That wouldn’t come until I met my wife, whose one condition to dating me was that she could study me. I’m sure glad she did. I thought I was alone and weird. Anyway, my friends didn’t think I was making enough progress or putting in enough effort to change. Oh if only they had known that I moved from being able to touch food without gagging. That the smell of certain foods didn’t activate my gagging anymore. That I was trying to learn to cook to change my relationship with food and that was amazing progress. Alas, change is too slow for some.

In grad school at a particular residency we had potatoes at every meal. Potatoes are safe for me and my favorite of my safe foods. The potatoes became a joke for us, and I understand why and I understand that one can have too much of a good thing, but that was heaven on earth for me. Healthy? No. But Heavenly. I was able to eat with people instead of retreating to my room to eat and then join them in awkwardness. Would they have judged me? No. These people are the best the world has to offer. But hiding food is second nature; a survival tactic.

Writing about recovery and spiritual formation is more for me than for you. This a dragon I know I can slay but on most days, the fire is consuming and it’s easier to put up my shield than my sword. So pray for me, friends.

Because I care about you and want you have the best fries one can have, I share with you my recipe.

At a local restaurant, Zin Burger

First, the potato is important. Most fries are made from Russets because they are starchy, large, and cheap. They’re great. For my money, however, I go for the Yukon Golds. They are less starchy and more creamy in texture. They have a better flavor, if you ask me. Plus, in my method of cooking, I’m going to remove most the starch anyway so flavor and texture are more important.

So, Gold Potatoes. Leave the skin on. They say it’s healthier for you? I dunno. We’re making fries. Get some salt water boiling as if you’re going to boil pasta and then add a teaspoon or so of baking soda. This is going to raise the PH level of the potato and make it crunchier (thank you Kenji Lopez-Alt for that tidbit). The boiling will also remove the starch.

While the water comes to a boil, cut your potatoes. I have a fry cutter, because of course I do, but otherwise you can make them wedges, or cut them into sticks like this. I like them thicker.

When the water is at a boil, add the cut up potatoes and boil for about 5-7 minutes, until they’re ALMOST falling apart but they don’t. Remove the potatoes and put them in a bowl or strainer and shake them hard, like they owe you money. This will create craggly edges that will be delicious texture later. Put them in the refrigerator.

While the potatoes cool, get some oil going. I use peanut usually but also whatever cheap oil is on sale. I have a fryer (again, of course I do) but you can do this in a large pot on the stove. The goal is get it to about 300 degrees. Leave it for about 10 minutes at med heat and it’ll get close.

Now, put the fries in the oil for 5 minutes or until they just start to show color. Then get them out and let them dry while you crank the oil up to 375-400, Med-High heat. When the oil has reached temperature, drop the fries back in until they are your desired golden done goodness.

I use a homemade seasoning of salt, pepper, garlic salt, onion salt, smoked paprika, and a bit of brown sugar and a small bit of cayenne pepper. I like Maldon flaky salt to finish just about everything with.

they look like this:

Enjoy.